Major Clinical Depression: The Great Demon

I have found myself facing down a depressive episode once again, and after 3 years of full remission from my depression, I am seeing it again with fresh eyes.  See, I have what is officially called Reoccurring Major Clinical Depression.  Sounds very sterile and, well, clinical.  It sounds even more so when you read the definition...well, check it out for yourself.

"Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, sometimes particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day

Impaired concentration, indecisiveness

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)

Restlessness or feeling slowed down

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)"

This does nothing, absolutely nothing, to explain what the condition actually is.  I have come to know this condition very, very well, and there is no other way describe it than a fucking Demon.  If you want see what the Demon actually looks like, allow me to show you it's face.  

Think about life, just your average day.  Then take all the color out of it.  Literally, picture it as black and white.  Now, take all the flavor out of it.  Food, drinks all taste like water and soggy bland noodles (so either you eat more because you never feel satisfied or you just give up and stop eating, thus the changes in weight).  Now, make every voice sound exactly the same.  Now make every person look the same.  Now make every song sound the same and it's one that's been played to death on the radio.  Every video game you play is pong.  Every action you do results in mediocrity and is exhausting.

That is the diminished interest in almost all activities.  That's one symptom.

One top of all that,  think about it as every day you are running on 4 hours of sleep.

Now turn up the negativity.  You can only hear the negative comments, you can only notice the things that bother you, and of course, since you can't concentrate or make decisions very well, because your mind is exhausted, you keep fucking things up, or at least that's the way it seems because, again, you only hear the negative comments.

You start to think that everything you touch you end up fucking up.  This creates anxiety because you're sure you are fucking up your job, your relationships, your friendships, every decision you make seems like it's the wrong one.  You become restless for a while because you are desperately trying to find something that works, something that you can do right, something that you do enjoy.  

You can't sleep anymore because you just can't figure out why you can't get your shit together, and you have no one to blame for it but yourself.  

This goes on for a few days until finally, you are exhausted with thinking about it anymore so you just say "fuck it, why even try?  Why bother getting out of bed anymore?"  You just wear yourself out and the end result is lackluster, half assed, and mediocre at best.

Now people around you have started to notice.  You become frustrated, and they notice.  They ask you if things are ok.  How do you even answer that when you know you aren't but you don't know why?  So you just say "Yeah, I'm fine.  Just having a rough time."

and they tell you "Cheer up, it'll be fine."  But you can't cheer up.  How can you when everything is bland?  There is nothing exciting, nothing fun, nothing colorful, nothing with any flavor or enjoyment, it's just blah.  But now you start beating yourself up because you know other people can just snap themselves out of it (which is because the chemicals in their brain are normal and yours are not, but that thought doesn't make a damn bit of difference even if you know it for a fact, you still feel responsible).  

You start to feel flawed, like something is wrong with  you, and you see people trying in vain to help you because you know it's not them, it's not life, it's you.  So you feel alienated, isolated, and being around people who are enjoying life, like you should be, just shines a massive spotlight on how much of a downer you are to everyone around you.  So you start to pull back.  You withdraw because, why  would you want to bring down everyone else?  That just adds to the guilt you already feel about not being able to fix yourself, not be able to get your shit together, and for fucking up everything you touch.

You soon find yourself stuck in a routine of waking up, going to work just waiting for the end of the day so you can retreat back into solitude, out of everyone else's way, and try to find something interesting enough to pass the time until you can finally go back to bed and do it all again the next day.

After a few weeks of this, you start to wonder why you are even going through the motions.  People start to think you just want to be left alone, so they leave you alone.  They start to think, and even tell you that you like being this way, you just want to brood, you just want attention, you just need to do something different, go out and socialize.  They start telling you it's your own fault.  And you start believing them.

And you wonder what it's all for anyway?  How long will this last, or is this just life?  Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of your life?  If so, you really don't know how long  you can keep going that way.  

At that point, you might decide to try something else, try drugs, or alcohol, and usually they work, for a while.  Until they start causing more trouble than they are solving.  And then the downward spiral begins because, regardless of the trouble, at least you feel something when you are fucked up...and something is better than nothing, better than the emptiness that exists in the center of you.  At least they are something that helps that doesn't judge you, or tell you that you just like being miserable.

You start to think that, maybe for your sake and for those around you that still, for some reason, care about you, you should just end your life.  And even then you know they are going to think you were weak, selfish, you didn't care about their feelings, when really, you were trying to free them from the burden you have become to them and yourself.  At least let them get on with their lives.  And after all, when you're dead, you won't feel the guilt anymore, you won't feel their disappointment anymore because you're a drunk, or an addict, or a recluse, or an attention whore, or whatever label they have decided to put on you because "no one would act the way you do unless they really liked it." (I have actually had a close family member tell me this, word for word.)

So you start planning...and for the first time in a long time, you feel like you have a solution, if not for your own suffering, for the suffering you cause to those around you.  And you feel a burst of energy, a little relief, and people who you do interact with notice "Wow, you seem better, what did you do differently?"  And you know they really mean "Why didn't you pull your stupid ass out of it before?  Did you finally get enough attention, had enough of the drugs and alcohol and problems it caused?  Did you finally get your shit together, you fuck up?"

And you just smile and say you're feeling better, because you know that nothing you can say will explain sufficiently what your actions will when you finally pull the trigger, or step off the chair, or over the side of the bridge, or make that cut down your wrists, or whatever you have finally decided to do.

If this sounds extremely detailed, it's only because I have been through almost every one of these stages in 37 years of dealing with this demon, I have seen most of it's tactics and strategies, and I have to say it is crafty, and it is pure evil.  But I can also tell you that, if you know this demon as well, you are not alone.  I can also tell you that I have found a few ways to battle this thing effectively.  If you are afflicted by this goddamn demon as well, I would be happy to discuss my tactics and strategies with you, and hopefully, you can get the upper hand.

But I will tell you, you cannot fight this thing alone.  If you are currently fighting it alone and feel that you are losing, reach out right now; to me, to a professional, or a friend...someone, anyone.  Do not let the lies of this bastard convince you that no one cares or that it's your fault.  If someone tells you it's your fault, they are as much a part of the demon as the feelings you have, and they are not concerned with helping you.  Don't waste your time.  If you honestly have no one around you to help and no access to a professional, message me.  I won't pretend I can fix it for you, but I also won't let you suffer alone.