Blue Reverend Bass Cover - Opeth - Harvest

Corporate Resentment of the Working Class

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about a trend I have been noticing among things my friends have been saying, things I have been experiencing and things I have been reading in the news. There was an article a few days ago that summed up the argument the best.

Since the pandemic, many people have, of course, been out of work, which is unfortunate. However, while being out of work, many have either rethought their priorities, reconsidered the value of their own life, or found other ways to make a living aside from needing to be dependent on corporate America. They have realized that life is not work. Work is not life. Work is a means to an end, and that means has been demanding more and more and more all along, but in small enough increments we never noticed it. Death by a 1000 paper cuts, while boiling the frog, so to speak. They have realized all of this and decided they had enough, they weren’t going to rejoin corporate America.

So, for the first time in a long time in this country, businesses are dealing with something they never dreamed they would have to realize; A pool of labor that realizes their own value, and is in short supply. Before, the demand for jobs was higher than the need for workers. When that happens, people tend to work for less just for the sake of having money coming in.

Now, the need for workers is higher than the need for jobs, demand outweighs supply and the value of each worker has increased. Typically in these situations (which we haven’t seen in this country probably since the end of the Vietnam War in 75, the year I was born, wages even out or sometimes decrease as younger, hungrier people opt for less pay over no pay. Profits increased on the backs of cheaper labor.

But now, because people aren’t going back to work, their Profits are being threatened due to production limitations. So they have had to take measures.

Firstly, many states have decided to withhold the already funded additional unemployment compensation benefits for those not working. Yes, they are withholding something already paid for because those of us on unemployment just have it so luxurious on their “you shouldn’t have” level generosity…sorry, let me wipe the sarcasm from my keyboard, it’s dripping.

Yes, Suddenly, all those suit balloons on the Hill have turned into parents withholding our allowance because we’re too lazy and have it too good to want to get a job.

Yes, they think of us as spoiled, lazy, unappreciative children…and I’ll have news for you soon, so does Corporate America.

Think about that for a second…the government doesn’t have any money. They take money from us in the form of taxes. So the money that was used to fund the emergency additional unemployment benefit payouts was first; our money and second; was already paid out by the feds to the states who are choosing or being directed to withhold from those who need it.

Yes, the money they are refusing to give back to us in the form of helping those who need it during an unprecedented time in history was already paid to be disbursed, but because us lazy sons of bitches won’t get off our asses and get a goddamn job like every other kid on the block, you ain’t getting it!

This however, doesn’t address the glaring problem. like I said before, many people have realized their value and have decided they aren’t going to return to work for shit pay when there is still a very real pandemic still occurring that about half the US population so far has gotten.

This doesn’t even take into account, and this is a big part of what people aren’t grasping about this virus, that for every person who does get infected, they run the risk of passing a mutated version to another person. And maybe that mutation becomes a variant that found a way around all the vaccines out there.

So to say the Pandemic is over is stretching it if even just a bit. There is still a real risk.

And when you add to that risk the other piece, that we have proven work from home works.

But no, corporate America decided they want everyone back to work whether they like it or not, because there is money to be made and work needed to be done to make that money.

However, people have found a way to make money themselves, without having to work for another company.

And now there is more at stake for the working class than just a number on a bank statement. There is the possibility things are not safe and may not ever be again. How much are you willing to take in compensation knowing you’re heading into a war zone? Definitely not the same you found acceptable beforehand.

However, corporations, many of who flourished by once again soaking up our money, either through increased consumption due to sheer boredom, or PPP loans that weren’t intended for them but it’s worth taking the slap on the wrists for so they did it anyway, now have to figure out a way to incentivize people to take their jobs for the shitty pay they used to fill them for.

You would think they would do the obvious, offer more money.

We already saw the government’s response to it, basically shaking the tree, not bothering to address the fact that some people make more safely on unemployment than they would make at a job that puts them in danger. It’s a no brainer.

But Corporations are controlled by share holders, and the shareholders demand their dividends. So the company finds themselves having to get people to do the work and keep costs low enough not to drastically effect the bottom line.

What has their solution been? Force retirement on the older (and typically higher paid but also more experienced) workers to open up space for younger, cheaper but less experienced workers. But that was their initial response when the economy ground to a halt and they had to make cuts fast, but still needed workers who could keep the engine rolling, so they can’t do that now.

Some have gotten creative. Some have offered free cell phones as a sign on bonus. Or a one time 1000 sign on bonus. Many little one time things, things they can find a way to cover so it doesn’t effect the overall desired result of lower labor costs.

One newspaper headline said it best, to paraphrase “Corporate America will do ANYTHING but pay a living wage.”

I thought about this and after while it became apparent. There is a reason they refuse to up the minimum wage or increase wages.

Corporate America resents their workers.

They despise the fact that they are dependent on us to make them their money, and every fucking dollar they pay out in wages is like a slap In the face to them. Look at companies like Amazon and how they treat their workers. “well goddamn it if you HAVE to piss once during your 8 hour shift I GUESS it’s ok…but we’re docking you”

It just burns them up that workers have the BALLS to insist on being paid. Some are more resentful than others, I’ll admit, but all in all, I think that’s something that we as the working class need to see clearly, because it’s evident everywhere. And the companies that are successful, are the ones that value their workers. The ones who resent them, well, there’s always AI.

Let us know how that works out for you, meanwhile, we’re going to go ahead and work for the companies that give a shit.

Eulogy of Leo Mantlemacher

Folks, I want to start by saying this is not political.  Yes, I will talk about what is happening currently in the US, including politically, but right up front, I want you all to understand that this is not because of Trump or because of 9/11 or because of ISIS, or because of Oil that people are thinking and acting the way they are right now.  It’s because the attitudes move in cycles and as the cycles happen, they cause events which sort of mirror the attitudes.  For instance, hateful attitudes usually create violent behavior.  What I would like to do is make some social commentary on patterns that seem to be emerging…patterns I’m very familiar with for a few reasons, which I will get into later.

Say what you like about any of this, and I know a lot of you out there think that people saying neo-fascism is on the rise are alarmists, but see, that’s only if you have a very myopic world view.  When you consider the political climate worldwide right now is so very similar to what it was almost 100 years ago, it’s starts becoming clearer.

Fascism is defined as extreme right-wing, authoritarian or intolerant views.  The problem is that intolerance can be a slippery slope.  

Look, everyone is intolerant.  Of something.  I’m intolerant of willing ignorance.  I’m intolerant of harming others.  However, I wanted to explain to those of you who may not understand the reason why some of us in the world are very, very concerned about the intolerance we see, because the intolerance has become a very real problem.

Look, quite simply, this has very little to do with Trump, or Merkle, or any of the other neo-fascists rising to power.  I care very little about Trump.  Hatred and intolerance were here before him and they will be here long after him.  He is not the cause of it;  quite the opposite, the intolerance, fear, and hatred are what contributed partially to his winning.

He won; OK, great.  I didn’t vote for him, but he won, so if he fails, we fail.  And really, the country was founded with checks and balances that will hopefully keep it from getting too out of whack…all he can do is sign papers…it’s up to the rest of the population as to what we do with the policies that are presented in the next 4 years…or hell, for the rest of our existence as a Nation as far as that goes.  Honestly though, Americans as humans have not been doing a very good job of doing the right thing lately.

So I thought I would take a walk down a few very dark paths and let you see a little of just what Intolerance can look like, because there is always collateral damage in hate.  I want to give you a glimpse into the less seen type of collateral damage; the damage that is done by being raised in a hateful environment.

I was born into an abusive family.  Old agrarian roots that go way back to…honestly I don’t even know, several generations of farmers. My generation is the first in my family not to farm, if not full time, at least some of the time.  My dad was the youngest of 8 kids, and from what he tells me, his oldest brother, who was his primary educator, was a bully, and abusive to most everyone around him.  I heard stories of him kicking his wife down the stairs because he felt like it.

This was the man who instilled many ideas in my dad’s head.  My dad dropped out of high school in 10^th grade and worked on the family farm full time until he joined the Army.

This was in the 60’s during the Vietnam era, however, he was not deployed.  But the way he boasted about the military you would think he was a lifer.  He took the military training to heart and felt it was his duty to raise me as if I was in the military.  Any complaint I made was countered with “in the military we didn’t blah, blah blah.”

Great dad, I’m fucking 4, not in boot camp.

He used this guise of “toughening me up” to take out his own anger on me, just like his brother.  He also convinced everyone else to join in on the put downs and charged my sister with having to “keep my head from getting too big”.  The thing about angry people…they are always angry, so he always had to find a reason to put me down or hit me, or contradict me, or yell at, or manipulate.  I should probably mention my dad was a white supremacist. 

Not the hood wearing, cross burning kind, but not far from it, either.  He had sympathetic attitudes towards the KKK and various Fascist ideas.  Very authoritarian, punishment for me was always severe, physical intimidation was daily, which wasn’t hard when I was a very scrawny, sickly, asthmatic kid and he stood 6 feet tall, had 23” biceps and weighted in around 325lbs.  I saw him once lift 225 lbs over his head in a military press like it was nothing…a man who literally never stepped foot in a gym, but pushed around stainless steel containers filled with around a ton of liquid chocolate all day every day from the time he left the military until he retired.

So yeah, I dealt with abuse; physical, emotional, psychological and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hold some of those bigoted ideologies for part of my life.  I have since rejected them, but, as ashamed of them as I am, I did hold them.  It’s hard not to when you are told as far back as you can remember that the only “real” people are white, the others are sub human and physiologically different from white people, and therefore somehow inferior.

When I was 9, my mom left him…but I didn’t.  I stayed with him.  And she married another guy that was almost a cookie cutter duplicate, aside from being slightly more educated than my dad, but every bit as bigoted.  I was literally surrounded by what today would be considered Alt-Right ideology.

But even at a young age, I didn’t understand the arguments, but back then I thought it was because I wasn’t old enough or smart enough or whatever to understand it.  And when you are constantly being asked “What’s the matter with you?  Quit acting so dumb” you tend to think you aren’t smart enough.  You don’t stop to consider, oh wait, it’s because the ideas are BULLSHIT.

Finally, when I moved on to college and got away from my All-white graduating class, and heard some logical, rational arguments, I realized that the things I had been told about various minority groups by my parents were based off ignorance, fear and hatred.

Which was no different from the ignorance, fear and hatred I saw at the Holocaust Museum, portrayed in Schindler’s List.  Or in the story of Mr. Leo Mantlemacher, a Holocaust survivor I had the fortune to sit down with and hear his experiences first hand.

I met Leo in 1994.  I was taking composition 102 at Harrisburg Area Community College.  I had seen Schindler’s List over the weekend, and a few of us were discussing the movie before class.  The professor overheard us and mentioned that she was friends with a local researcher who was involved in a project to record the stories of Holocaust survivors to be kept in a library and preserved after they die.  She offered to get us in touch with him to interview one of the survivors for our final paper.  I jumped at the chance, and eventually sat down with Leo for three hours to hear his story.   

For me, I see Leo’s story as the final swing of a sledgehammer against a wall of ignorance that was weakened by all the other experiences I had.  It finally opened my mind to how absolutely arrogant and ignorant I was to ever think that anyone could be better or worse than another.

Leo, I found out a few years ago, has passed away, but his experience was not wasted…at least not on me. 

Like I said, it was the final sledgehammer blow to my skull to split my mind open and allow me to move beyond the ignorance, which I have done.  But one thing I didn’t realize for a long time, was how much damage had been done to my psyche.  But we will put that thought on hold for a second.  Just know that I have been a very angry person for most of my 41 years.

Let me explain something about bigotry.  This is also the problem I have with a lot of religions.  These ideas are exclusionary, meaning, they create an “in” group and an “out” group.  You’re either saved, or you’re damned.  You’re either pure, or you’re a mutt.  This segmentation Inevitably becomes good versus bad.  And of course, we always see ourselves as the good guys, unless you are a complete psychopath. 

And those two ideas right there are what create what you are seeing right now in the US and much of the world.  The people who voted for Trump fall into two basic categories; people who like him despite his bigotry (the good guys), and those who like him BECAUSE OF his bigotry (the psychopaths).

The people who voted for him despite the bigotry, well, you all are the ones that really need to hear what I’m saying because, those who opposed him pretty much all see how dangerous he is, and the ones who support him because of his bigotry already live it.

Maybe I’m making too much of an assumption.  I’m assuming you all know what White Supremacists are like, but maybe you don’t.  I take it for granted having been surrounded by them for a large part of my life.  Simply put, if you think white people are better than anyone other type of people for any reason, valid or not, you are a white supremacist.  However, it goes deeper than that and If you are not familiar with the mentality of white supremacists, it’s one of violence.  

Violence pervades everything they do.  The reason their arguments don’t make any sense below the surface is because they are thinly veiled excuses to carry out the hate and violence…because it’s easier than dealing with the real source of the hate and anger, which is inside themselves.

See these people have the biggest entitlement complex of any American.  That is why they bitch so much about how everyone else is so entitled…because it takes away from THEIR entitlements.  They don’t think they should have to put forth as much effort because they’re WHITE.  Everyone knows they are better and should just hand them everything because they’re white. After all, “They built this country, fought and bled for this country and now they go to work, pay their taxes, beat their kids, and go to church like a good American.”

That’s fine, but so do non-white people.  Like I said, the arguments don’t make any sense below the surface because they are justifications to hate.  When you feel anger constantly, it chews you up if you don’t let it out, so you look for any and every opportunity to project it on something other than yourself.  If you can find an object to actively hate, to aim that anger at like a laser and just make it your life’s purpose to destroy it, even if it’s something that can’t be destroyed (especially if it can't be destroyed), you can "function" in society because you aren’t always on the edge of blowing up on someone, you have your anger honed in on something else.

The only other option is to work through the anger, find the source of it, understand it, and heal…but that takes a lot of time, effort, and admitting things about yourself you really don’t want to admit.  Generally, this is not something most people are willing to do, especially in a society designed to distract us from getting healthy and working through our problems, because psychologically fulfilled people aren’t as easy to convince they need other things to make them happy, like phones, and cars and make up, and gym memberships to solve their problems.

Why are these the only options?  Because even after the abuse is over, the fight inside never stops.  Because the only way to survive is to fight…somehow.  You develop skills to, in some cases, literally keep yourself alive. 

This is the part that got very confusing for me for a long time

My past developed something that I have struggled to integrate, the need to fight.  See, for me, fighting, violence, weapons…these were all attached to the same hatred that I was trying very hard to escape from.  I felt they had no place, in my mind; in the healthy mindset of a functioning and rational, free thinking individual.  So it took me a very long time to come to terms with this.

But like I said, the hate doesn’t stop unless you work through it, and working through it means facing the exact shit you ran from as fast and as hard as you could and swore to never even throw a glance in that direction…it’s counter-intuitive, and honestly, terrifying.  I may not have ever made the final step without having met my Krav Maga instructor, Jack.

It wasn’t until my recent venture into Krav Maga that I began to actual be able to fight through it.  As I said, I was a fighter afraid to fight.  I tried karate when I was a kid, and I was not ready for it.  I was struggling with asthma, trying to deal with the emotional turmoil of a very, very messy custody battle between my parents who hated each other and used my sister and myself as pawn in their power battle.  This added another layer entirely to the anger and frustrations.

In college, I decided to take a fencing class, and joined the fencing team for a while.

This was my first step into real combat training, as impractical as it might have been.  It taught me defense, blocking concepts, the fact that you don’t need a lot of force to prevent a lot of force hitting 

you.  And of course, counter attacks, or riposte.

When I left college, I began collecting various techniques over the years from different sources, acupressure, random techniques from military and law enforcement friends, other Martial Arts practitioners, and the like.

In 2002 I stumbled onto my first Krav Maga class during my short period living in Norristown, just outside of Philly.  I had no idea what to expect.  It was 3 hours.  3 hours of front choke breaks, learning to punch and kick correctly, how to deal with fire arms pointed at my face, chest and back…blocking kicks and punches.

I loved it, but I was broke at the time and couldn’t afford to keep up the lessons.  Then I moved back to Harrisburg shortly thereafter.  That began the search; a search that went on and on for 15 years.

There were no schools teaching Krav in the area.  And then one opened…but they were mixed martial arts with some Krav.  That was the closest.

Starting around 2000 I started hearing grumblings from some of my ultra-right wing friends that were sounding a little…well, not cool.  I was tapped to join a Militia group back in 2001, which I declined, but I kept an ear to the ground as to what that crew was up to.  It made me realize, especially after Obama was elected, that these guys were getting more and more pissed because they were feeling shut out.

And I know what happens when white supremacists get angry…they get violent.  And then entered Donald Trump.  I knew we were in trouble, because he was embracing all the frustrations of the ultra-right neo-fascists, and I decided it was time to spread out my search.  It was becoming more important.  Not because of Trump, per se, but because he was emboldening the far Right.  They were getting more boisterous and beginning to act out.

That’s when I found a place call FitMax Krav Maga in Media, PA, just outside of Philly and about ½ hour from Norristown, where I used to live and have ever since wanted to return to.

I reached out to the owner/instructor, Jack, and asked if he was familiar with any schools in the area, as I had been searching since 2002.  He said no, but offered to train me and prepare me for the instructor course through Krav Maga Global.  I jumped at the chance and honestly, I had no idea how much I needed what he was offering.  I have since found my home that I have been searching for my entire fucked up life.

I will admit, at first it was difficult.  The violent thoughts were bringing up old shit that I had buried…not racist shit by any means, but anger about the abuse I had suffered.  These were lessons I had heard when I was young, but they were no longer attached to the hateful destruction like they were when I hard them long ago.  Krav started digging up the old feelings that haven’t ever been resolved…and like a cyst, they have just grown and gotten more and more painful, more complex.

I needed a new perspective.

But it wasn’t until I let go of the old one, the one that said violence is bad, and realized that I was created for a purpose…and of course with lots and lots of therapy, I started to see the bigger picture.

 

I had a natural aptitude for motion when I was younger, and I was engrained with a very violent nature.  These two things make for a decent fighter.  And knowing the hatred that is the energy source boiling the pot of violence towards non-whites in this country right now, having held it in my own mind and saw its eyes staring me back in the mirror for almost 2 decades…and seeing no more deserving target than a group of people who choose to dehumanize other groups for simply being who and what they are…I have realized I have a very, very specific purpose in this life.

No, I can’t fight every single white supremacist, but I can train, train hard, be an example of motivation for others, harden and prepare myself so that when I do encounter one who is acting out in a violent manner…I can handle the situation.

If you are a white supremacist but can act like a civilized human, then bigot on with your bad self, I guess.  I mean, I have no other way to be able to frame it up.  I don’t like you, I’d just as soon your vocal chords rot and your rotator cuff gets destroyed from throwing your sieg heils, but to wish you dead…no.

Well, that’s the thing…maybe I do.  I know I shouldn't...but I’ve been too beaten up and broken by these fucking bastards that it's honestly extremely hard for me to have anything but contempt for their entire ideology and anyone who holds it.  So don’t for one moment think that I have any interest in suffering your words or deeds, because, just like you greasy fuckers who hold white supremacist attitudes, I am just looking for a reason to tear off my gossamer thread-leash keeping me shackled to decent social norms and open your veins to bath in like I was raised to do.

People who deal with hate and have been through a period of abuse start to have to disconnect from people emotionally.  They start to lose their ability to care about another human because…why would they care?  If violence is being acted out on them, they no longer trust people because they have seen and been through the worst depravity there is; the ability to harm another living human being.

To approach a violent person who has no real empathy or conscience to speak of in a non-violent way is to open yourself to attack.  

Nonviolent people are hilarious to violent people.  They appear juvenile, they are seen as weak, pathetic and not worthy of the skin they inhabit…for one simple reason…they aren’t willing to fight for their place in the world, and if the thin veneer of society were to fall, destroying nonviolent people is almost euthanasia because they see it as “in the wild, you wouldn’t survive, so we’re doing you a favor, strengthening the gene pool and saving you from a much worse fate.” 

I have literally heard that exact argument more than half a dozen times in my life. 

I’m a violent person who is really good at pretending I’m not…. so if you start acting on those feelings of hatred in my presence, I no longer see any real reason not to, and many, many reasons in favor of, stepping in.  I may get my ass beat.  I may get killed.  But I will not stand by because fighting hatred is the culmination of my life events.  

My story is one of violence, I don’t pretend otherwise.  I have tried to ignore it, pretend like it isn't who I am, and that has only caused my own alienation.  I have accepted that I was raised violently to be violent, that was not my decision…but I have decided to only be violent for the right fucking reasons, and the right reasons are to fight the attitudes I once held because I know how deep and how dark they can go.

Not many people come back from where I've been without losing themselves…somehow, I did…but it took a big chunk of my humanity.  I do not want to see others lose their humanity the way I lost mine.

Major Clinical Depression: The Great Demon

I have found myself facing down a depressive episode once again, and after 3 years of full remission from my depression, I am seeing it again with fresh eyes.  See, I have what is officially called Reoccurring Major Clinical Depression.  Sounds very sterile and, well, clinical.  It sounds even more so when you read the definition...well, check it out for yourself.

"Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, sometimes particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day

Impaired concentration, indecisiveness

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)

Restlessness or feeling slowed down

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)"

This does nothing, absolutely nothing, to explain what the condition actually is.  I have come to know this condition very, very well, and there is no other way describe it than a fucking Demon.  If you want see what the Demon actually looks like, allow me to show you it's face.  

Think about life, just your average day.  Then take all the color out of it.  Literally, picture it as black and white.  Now, take all the flavor out of it.  Food, drinks all taste like water and soggy bland noodles (so either you eat more because you never feel satisfied or you just give up and stop eating, thus the changes in weight).  Now, make every voice sound exactly the same.  Now make every person look the same.  Now make every song sound the same and it's one that's been played to death on the radio.  Every video game you play is pong.  Every action you do results in mediocrity and is exhausting.

That is the diminished interest in almost all activities.  That's one symptom.

One top of all that,  think about it as every day you are running on 4 hours of sleep.

Now turn up the negativity.  You can only hear the negative comments, you can only notice the things that bother you, and of course, since you can't concentrate or make decisions very well, because your mind is exhausted, you keep fucking things up, or at least that's the way it seems because, again, you only hear the negative comments.

You start to think that everything you touch you end up fucking up.  This creates anxiety because you're sure you are fucking up your job, your relationships, your friendships, every decision you make seems like it's the wrong one.  You become restless for a while because you are desperately trying to find something that works, something that you can do right, something that you do enjoy.  

You can't sleep anymore because you just can't figure out why you can't get your shit together, and you have no one to blame for it but yourself.  

This goes on for a few days until finally, you are exhausted with thinking about it anymore so you just say "fuck it, why even try?  Why bother getting out of bed anymore?"  You just wear yourself out and the end result is lackluster, half assed, and mediocre at best.

Now people around you have started to notice.  You become frustrated, and they notice.  They ask you if things are ok.  How do you even answer that when you know you aren't but you don't know why?  So you just say "Yeah, I'm fine.  Just having a rough time."

and they tell you "Cheer up, it'll be fine."  But you can't cheer up.  How can you when everything is bland?  There is nothing exciting, nothing fun, nothing colorful, nothing with any flavor or enjoyment, it's just blah.  But now you start beating yourself up because you know other people can just snap themselves out of it (which is because the chemicals in their brain are normal and yours are not, but that thought doesn't make a damn bit of difference even if you know it for a fact, you still feel responsible).  

You start to feel flawed, like something is wrong with  you, and you see people trying in vain to help you because you know it's not them, it's not life, it's you.  So you feel alienated, isolated, and being around people who are enjoying life, like you should be, just shines a massive spotlight on how much of a downer you are to everyone around you.  So you start to pull back.  You withdraw because, why  would you want to bring down everyone else?  That just adds to the guilt you already feel about not being able to fix yourself, not be able to get your shit together, and for fucking up everything you touch.

You soon find yourself stuck in a routine of waking up, going to work just waiting for the end of the day so you can retreat back into solitude, out of everyone else's way, and try to find something interesting enough to pass the time until you can finally go back to bed and do it all again the next day.

After a few weeks of this, you start to wonder why you are even going through the motions.  People start to think you just want to be left alone, so they leave you alone.  They start to think, and even tell you that you like being this way, you just want to brood, you just want attention, you just need to do something different, go out and socialize.  They start telling you it's your own fault.  And you start believing them.

And you wonder what it's all for anyway?  How long will this last, or is this just life?  Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of your life?  If so, you really don't know how long  you can keep going that way.  

At that point, you might decide to try something else, try drugs, or alcohol, and usually they work, for a while.  Until they start causing more trouble than they are solving.  And then the downward spiral begins because, regardless of the trouble, at least you feel something when you are fucked up...and something is better than nothing, better than the emptiness that exists in the center of you.  At least they are something that helps that doesn't judge you, or tell you that you just like being miserable.

You start to think that, maybe for your sake and for those around you that still, for some reason, care about you, you should just end your life.  And even then you know they are going to think you were weak, selfish, you didn't care about their feelings, when really, you were trying to free them from the burden you have become to them and yourself.  At least let them get on with their lives.  And after all, when you're dead, you won't feel the guilt anymore, you won't feel their disappointment anymore because you're a drunk, or an addict, or a recluse, or an attention whore, or whatever label they have decided to put on you because "no one would act the way you do unless they really liked it." (I have actually had a close family member tell me this, word for word.)

So you start planning...and for the first time in a long time, you feel like you have a solution, if not for your own suffering, for the suffering you cause to those around you.  And you feel a burst of energy, a little relief, and people who you do interact with notice "Wow, you seem better, what did you do differently?"  And you know they really mean "Why didn't you pull your stupid ass out of it before?  Did you finally get enough attention, had enough of the drugs and alcohol and problems it caused?  Did you finally get your shit together, you fuck up?"

And you just smile and say you're feeling better, because you know that nothing you can say will explain sufficiently what your actions will when you finally pull the trigger, or step off the chair, or over the side of the bridge, or make that cut down your wrists, or whatever you have finally decided to do.

If this sounds extremely detailed, it's only because I have been through almost every one of these stages in 37 years of dealing with this demon, I have seen most of it's tactics and strategies, and I have to say it is crafty, and it is pure evil.  But I can also tell you that, if you know this demon as well, you are not alone.  I can also tell you that I have found a few ways to battle this thing effectively.  If you are afflicted by this goddamn demon as well, I would be happy to discuss my tactics and strategies with you, and hopefully, you can get the upper hand.

But I will tell you, you cannot fight this thing alone.  If you are currently fighting it alone and feel that you are losing, reach out right now; to me, to a professional, or a friend...someone, anyone.  Do not let the lies of this bastard convince you that no one cares or that it's your fault.  If someone tells you it's your fault, they are as much a part of the demon as the feelings you have, and they are not concerned with helping you.  Don't waste your time.  If you honestly have no one around you to help and no access to a professional, message me.  I won't pretend I can fix it for you, but I also won't let you suffer alone.

Major Clinical Depression: The Great Demon, Part II

Since several people have thanked me for writing the blog I posted "Major Clinical Depression:  The Great Demon", I decided it required a little more fleshing out.

I'm not going to lie, I hesitated before I posted it, especially to the almighty Facebook, where many people, including friends, family, employers, and law enforcement patrol the aspects of our lives.

But then I remembered who I am and that I don't give a fuck what people think about me, and despite what people in my past have accused me of, including family members, friends, ex-girlfriends, etc, this shit is not an act but a legitimate part of who I am and what I experience...in fact, I have been told a lot about myself from a lot of people that don't know shit about me or what I deal with.

I don't have a choice in this, and I certainly don't put up fronts, make up things, embellish, or exaggerate to try to fit in or somehow make myself sound like something I'm not (I'm still not sure what kind of fucked up mind it takes to think that discussing depression is an attempt to get attention...that one baffles me to this day).  I have never fit in and I never will fit in, and that's a straight up fact.  I lost the desire to even try years ago.

The thing is, I have lost friends and family to the very thing that I fight every day...and I don't mean they simply have cut ties...I mean they have fallen to this thing by either committing suicide directly or due to toxic behaviors, such as drug overdoses, that were brought on by trying to cope with this demon.  There have been more than a few nights I have come closer than I would like to admit to joining them.

But one thing that has done more damage and put me closest to the brink of the abyss was keeping it inside and not talking about it.  For the first 20 years of my fight, I had no choice but to do just that, which is how I know it's a death march.  The only question is how long you can sustain it before you break...and it will break you.  I had a therapist tell me long ago that depression is a terminal disorder if it's untreated...meaning that it will push you take your own life.

Sun Tzu says in the Art of War says,  If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.  What I write is my attempt to make sense, to know myself and to know my enemy, which for me and others who deal with these types of things, are one and the same.

For me, I have found a militant approach gives me the best advantage.  So I have tried to come to know myself and know my enemy.  I have examined this demon from many, many angles, at various stages, both from the inside and from the outside.  I have written hundreds upon hundreds of pages worth of journal entries examining my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors and it is because of that I am able to bring the insight I bring.

But it has also caused me to be very harsh, rigid, hyper vigilant, and disciplined.   I'm not an easy person to be around, I am intolerant of many things for no other reason than I cannot afford to let my guard down for one moment against this thing.  But do not confuse that with callousness.  In my own fucked up way, I do care.

In Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" he states that we humans have a need to ascribe meaning to our suffering.  Deep down, I need to help others with their fight as much as I can, if for no other reason, than to give my own depression meaning.  If I didn't, all the things I said before this would be pointless, and that is more depressing than the depression.